Not so bad, the dentist

We all know how dentists amuse themselves. They stuff our mouths full of metal rods and whirring things and then play twenty questions: "How ya' been? Your kids playing ball this year?" We gape and say "Ah hah. Hah uh hah uh wah wah." Very funny.

But dental humor will have to take a silver medal in this competition. The funniest sounds come from the chiropractor's office.

My chiropractor has me lay face down on the table so that I'm talking into a crack; everything I say sounds like it comes through a toilet paper tube. Then he runs a vibrating massage machine over my back and asks me how my kids are enjoying Wyoming. "THeEeYy lLiIkKeE IiTt aAaAa lLlOoOTtT", I say. Sounds like I'm talking through a fan. Somehow he keeps a straight face, but of course he has already tipped off the receptionist: "Jenny Mae, slip over by the door while I work this next guy over; don't let him know you're there, but you gotta hear this! Sounds like he's talking through a fan!"

The machine off, we proceed to the manipulation. "Did ja do anything fun this weekend?", he asks, and just as I draw in my breath to answer he CRUSHES the spinal column between my shoulder blades. "I daioughargh!", I comment. "Is the heat getting to you?", he wonders--CRUSH, CRUSH, CRUSH.

Rarely have I felt so silly. Not so bad, the dentist!

Beating around the phrase-bush

My book of figures showed itself this afternoon. As I cast about for today's turn of phrase, my eye fell on periphrasis:

We are all too familiar with this particular mode. We live in a world in which the killing of a spy is the elimination with extreme prejudice of an intelligence-gathering operative. And in this world we secretly think that if all periphrasis could be eliminated, bereaucracy would wither away, along with its academic handmaidens, the social sciences. We needed to be reminded, therefore, that legitimate uses of periphrasis do exist (such as substituting "academic handmaidens of bureaucracy" for "social sciences" in order to contribute to their elimination with extreme prejudice).

No sooner did I pick up my own employer's Bureaucracy Handbook than my eye fell on a delicious example of the above. As soon as I had my eye popped back into place, I read the following aloud to anyone who would listen:

"Faculty" refers to those who engage in teaching during the school year and activities directly related thereunto.

If "engage in teaching" means anything more than "teach", it implies that the teaching motor is always humming. Sometimes we just let it hum while we do other things, but sometimes we drop it into gear and engage that source of power. I knew a fellow once who walked into a classroom and carelessly dropped his teaching directly into fourth gear; he nearly plastered himself across the whiteboard. Be careful when you engage your teaching: that thing's not a toy!

Maybe the Duck can tell me the name for a one-word periphrasis, where you use a much bigger word than is needed. The plague in this category is "utilize". I have never heard a case where it could not be replaced with "use"; people just want to utilize bigger words to sound importantatious.

In theory, of course, "utilize" could mean "make useful", as "sterilize" means "make sterile". That is the dictionary definition, but in the common and usual circumstances of every day locution the item or term in question is periphrastisized for maximal utilization of vocabulary and linguistic resources.

Fun with the news

The book of rhetorical figures used for my ongoing "figures of speech" project is still hiding in a box. Multiple search sessions have not unearthed it, so for the moment that project is on hold--deep apologies.

However, we can always appreciate the figures around us. In an otherwise unfortunate news piece, an anonymous journalist had a little fun with words, breaking the rule that good journalism requires bad prose:

Bale, who was in the UK to promote the new Batman film and attend its London premiere, is on bail until September pending further inquiries.

That makes me happy.

It also makes me think of the Duck.

I may be an Ignoramus, but please don't treat me like one.

My cable internet connection went on the blink, so I called the company. To my distress, a computer answered the telephone and starting asking questions and giving orders. My situation adequately described by a series of "Yes" and "No" entries, the computer asked: "Do you want to wait to speak to a representative or do you want to fix the problem?"

Well, when you put it that way....

My acquiescence registered via voice recognition software, the computer explained: "Fixing the problem will require four steps. Do you have something to write down the steps?"

I scrambled to open a Word doc and mouthed my affirmative.

"Alright. You will have a chance to hear each step again after I explain it. First, locate the power supply to your cable modem and unplug it. Then plug it back in." The computer paused to let me write this out, and then queried, "Do you want me to repeat that?"

No, I got it--unplug and replug the modem.

"The second step is, locate the power supply to your wireless router and unplug it. Then plug it back in." Again the computer paused to let this sink in, and queried again, "Do you want me to repeat that?"

No, I can handle that--unplug the router and plug it back in.

"The third step is, shut down your computer." A third time the computer paused so my slower CPU chip could catch up, and asked cheerfully, "Do you want me to repeat that?"

Aarg! No!

"The fourth step is, turn your computer back on." Again a pause, and I twitched as the computer inquired yet a fourth time, "Do you want me to repeat that?"

Never in all my days. First it insinuates quite plainly that human representatives are useless, and then it spoon feeds me "Turn everything off and restart it" in four steps, insulting my comprehension at every opportunity! They say that when computers get artificial intelligence and take over the world, we'll be lucky if they decide to keep us as pets--but right now I belong to the master race, ignoramus or no, and I'd appreciate it if cocky answering machines on steroids would keep that in "mind".

The Moose is behind all this, I just know it. He got us thinking of computers as humans so that we would get used to thinking of humans as computers. Once we compare ourselves as computers to the computers that are actually computers, we can't compete; we can't calculate as fast or conclude with such freedom from error or store such vast quantities of data. This proves (whispers the Moose through every automated genie or wizard) that we are inferior. Therefore we should step back and let our technologies rule the world in our stead.

Welcome to Technopoly.

Why can't we all just get along....

One of Ray's early efforts, the hippy movement, was rotten in many ways--a juvenile piece he threw together, not really his mature stuff--but I like a lot about it. I like the back to nature craze, the joyful attitude, and the desire to build a society based on love and unselfishness.

More on the downsides in an upcoming post, but for the moment I just want to point out the major flaw in any plan for building a society based on love and unselfishness: lots of people are hateful and selfish. Read history.

But now the Moose has let loose his masterstroke: Barack Obama, the man who means to deliver on that society the hippy movement could only talk about. And in fact he does have a strange effect on people.

Take for example John Talbott. While his prophetic works in economics earn the praise of the toughest critic, he has also written a book called Obamanomics. Here's the blurb:

Obama's greatest strength is his ability to bring the country together. For too long divisions among races, religions, political views, cultures, genders, and sexual preferences have prevented Americans from coming together to solve the most important problems of our generation. Global warming, lobbying reform, poverty, health care, wars, terrorism, education, housing and banking reform, and energy and water shortages-these are complex global problems that Talbott argues cannot be left to the free market business world or governments to solve.

Once emphasis is placed on citizen involvement, real solutions become apparent to our most pressing problems. A completely laissez-faire world of unregulated markets and uncontrolled globalization can be returned to a properly regulated free market that responds to the voice of a democratic people. And the American values of goodness, justice, and fairness to all Americans reflected in this young man of Africa and Kansas can once again be incorporated into our economic and financial system.

Notice that poverty, illness, and war will be cured by this new economics. Note also that this new system will work because we will all get along and be unselfish. Note finally the reason we will be so transformed: Obama's "ability to bring the country together." In other words, Obamanomics works because each American accepts Barack Obama into his heart as his personal president and leader.